 |
| Gamer Christmas can have its stockings full of coal too |
So my last entry was all about the most important E3 moments for myself. Next up will be the absolute worst of the current Big Three of the console market.
Well, at least according to my memory. This list won't be in any particular order. Just sit back and enjoy the terrible events of the past.
Anyways, let's dive right into the shittiness that E3 has the potential to be...and in order to start it off, let's look at one of the most infamous press conferences of all time...
1. Giant Enemy Crabs, Second Jobs, and RIIIIIDGE RACEEEEER!
Oh...my...god. Sony is revealing a new console this year? E3 2006 is going to be one hell of a show! I heard this thing had some of the best graphics we'll ever see! I heard that this console was going to build on the successes of the PS2! I also heard that a ton of new games were going to be shown to get the fans hyped!
*about an hour and a half later*
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SHIT??
To summarize, those that never saw the infamous Sony 2006 conference...GOOD. It was terrible. The launch of the PS3 was supposed to be something great! something amazing! Instead we got a sub par launch line up, terrible game reveals and demos and worst of all, another price that would be heard across the world since the famous "299" Playstation 1 reveal...
"599 US Dollars!' is what Ken Kutaragi would say on the biggest stage of gaming.
 |
| NO SNAKE! DON'T! IT'S GOING TO BE OK! |
And boy, did that announcement fall flat.
Not only was Sony late for the next generation of gaming, but they were also GROSSLY overpricing their hardware. I suppose the price point would have been fine for some people, but Kutaragi had to go and make the statement that Playstation 3 would be so desirable that people would want to get a second job just to afford the damn thing.
Yeah...that's how you get customers.
Tell them they need to spend more time making money to buy a console they won't have time to use.
FUCKING....GENIUS
To continue Sony's terrible conference, we had stage demos galore, but nothing spectacular. The most infamous would be Genji: Days of the Blade.
HEY! REMEMBER GENJI?
Didn't think so.
The presenter seemed nervous as he played through a game that featured ancient Japan and pretty decent next-gen visuals. But the kicker was that it was touted as 'historically accurate to famous Japanese battles."
Then bam. Giant Enemy Crab appears. "Hit it's weakspot...FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE."
 |
| Giant Crabs would be cooler as a modern day Kaiju... |
I'm sure we all remember that period in Japan where giant crabs run amok the streets and terrorized citizens right? And not the kind of crabs you might find on yourself after a steamy night. No...like literal giant crustaceans.
Sure seems accurate!
Next up on the list for Sony's conference was a brand new reveal of a beloved franchise.
Here I am thinking "Oh my god, are they going to show off some God of War? Jak and Daxter? is Crash Bandicoot and Spyro making a return? Any of the big Sony IP's?"
Nah, it was Ridge Racer. Remember Ridge Racer?
Yeah.
Ridge Racer is a pretty big franchise as far as I know. The Japanese market sure eats it up. But not the North Americans. It was a huge disappointment. But Ken Kutaragi's overly excited announcement and flat "Riiiidge Raceeeer" really made this a cringe worthy announcement.
 |
| Siiiiiigh |
In the end, this was the worst of all the Sony conferences by far. They have yet to beat it, and hopefully they never will.
Nearing the end of the 7th generation of consoles, Sony really learned their lesson and brought their suffering console back to life. So I guess the one good thing about this conference was that it was a humbling experience for the guys at Sony.
Oh and don't forget those memes. Those memes were pretty good back in the day.
You can watch the embarrassment right here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IH2w2l1JTs4
(sorry about the quality)
NOT SHIGGY! Shigeru Miyamoto shows up, not wielding a master sword, not performing a live orchestra...no...he's playing a pretend saxaphone using a Wii-mote and nunchuck.
Oh dear god please let this end....
No, it doesn't end there for Wii Music, not at all. It just kept going. From awkward drumming to a full on, off-time "concert". I wish I could go more into detail for that, but I think these videos speaks for themselves
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8IP7xLrg6E
Wow...just wow..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kw_Bd-13YCk
OK...WOW
Now, that's not all for this conference. We also had SHAUN WHITE SNOWBOARDING! Complete with awkward Nintendo Spokeswoman, Cammie Dunway, and Shaun White himself!
The purpose of this demo, I guess, was to show that the Wii Balance Board could be used for something other than Wii Fitness. Unfortunately, that didn't go very far, and now all we ever use the Balance Board for is...well...Wii Fitness
You can watch the embarrassment right here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IH2w2l1JTs4
(sorry about the quality)
2. Nintendo...please...stop it....you're drunk...give me your keys...
Oh Nintendo. I'll always have a soft spot for you. Your games are always developed so well. Zero bugs...awesome artistic direction...enjoyable gameplay...
Your Wii was selling like hot cakes. Everyone and their grandmother had one. It was the best selling console of the 7th generation!
But holy shit did you guys really fuck it up in 2008.
Let's look back at what Nintendo had to offer gamers before this hilarious conference. We had Zelda at launch. We had a new Smash Brothers that came out only a couple of months ago. We had an awesome Mario game!
What could Nintendo have up it's sleeve for us this E3?
Disappointment and cringe.
The most notable offenders of this conference was the reveal of Wii Music.
Everyone sure loves the idea of playing pretend instruments right? Rock Band and Guitar Hero sure showed us that! So how about we make our own game that completely removes the need to actually play the instrument? IT WOULD BE SO EASY!
Everyone would be good at the game! Everyone could play any Nintendo themed music they wanted!
In horrible...ear scratching...off-tune fashion.
And...wait...Is that....no...NO NO NO NO.
Your Wii was selling like hot cakes. Everyone and their grandmother had one. It was the best selling console of the 7th generation!
But holy shit did you guys really fuck it up in 2008.
Let's look back at what Nintendo had to offer gamers before this hilarious conference. We had Zelda at launch. We had a new Smash Brothers that came out only a couple of months ago. We had an awesome Mario game!
What could Nintendo have up it's sleeve for us this E3?
Disappointment and cringe.
The most notable offenders of this conference was the reveal of Wii Music.
Everyone sure loves the idea of playing pretend instruments right? Rock Band and Guitar Hero sure showed us that! So how about we make our own game that completely removes the need to actually play the instrument? IT WOULD BE SO EASY!
Everyone would be good at the game! Everyone could play any Nintendo themed music they wanted!
In horrible...ear scratching...off-tune fashion.
And...wait...Is that....no...NO NO NO NO.
 |
| Oh Jesus Christ almighty |
Oh dear god please let this end....
No, it doesn't end there for Wii Music, not at all. It just kept going. From awkward drumming to a full on, off-time "concert". I wish I could go more into detail for that, but I think these videos speaks for themselves
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8IP7xLrg6E
Wow...just wow..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kw_Bd-13YCk
OK...WOW
Now, that's not all for this conference. We also had SHAUN WHITE SNOWBOARDING! Complete with awkward Nintendo Spokeswoman, Cammie Dunway, and Shaun White himself!
The purpose of this demo, I guess, was to show that the Wii Balance Board could be used for something other than Wii Fitness. Unfortunately, that didn't go very far, and now all we ever use the Balance Board for is...well...Wii Fitness
 |
| EXTREEEEEME! |
We also have the Wii Motion Plus (Which isn't that bad, but the way they demoed it sure was) With the same spokeswoman acting waay too excited to be playing Frisbee with her virtual dog Peach. Even Reggie Fils Aime joined in on the fun. But that wasn't enough to save this cringe worthy conference.
 |
| Truly the greatest battle of our generation |
Here's a video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSJuHDBueT0
3. TIME TO GET KINECTED!
Man, 2010 was a really...REALLY weird time for games.
Nintendo was still proving to be the dominant this generation.
Microsoft and Sony decided to attempt to follow suit on the success of motion gaming. So the PS Move and the Microsoft Kinect were born.
Honestly, they both seemed....sorta promising. I was more interested in the Move because it had physical buttons and a control stick at least. It was trying to build on an already successful idea.
But the Kinect? How would Microsoft make hardcore games work on this thing? People were wondering the same thing. Would you be able to play a Gears of War game on this thing? How would you move? There HAS to be some way a hardcore gamer could play some of their favorite franchises with full body motion control!
Yeah, no that wasn't going to happen. The Kinect proved to be even worse than the PS Move in that at least Sony has kinda given up on the Move (lack of software really) but Microsoft tried REALLY hard to make Kinect a thing.
This is why not only is 2010 Microsoft E3 a part of this list, but also the following year. E3 2011 was just as bad, maybe even worse than 2010's conference.
So let's do a quick highlight.
E3 2010 for Microsoft. The Project Natal is given a name. The Kinect.
The show? super cringey.
Instead of being shown hardcore titles, we saw Microsoft attempting to appeal to the casual market with some half assed sports games, a half assed adventure game, a terrible virtual pets game, a kart racer (if you could even call it that), a dancing game, and a fitness game.
You know what? The dancing game wasn't that bad. Dance Central is probably your only worth while kinect purchase! But the rest? Oh dear god did they look bad.
Kinectimals had an awkward little girl on stage talking to her virtual tiger. As the tiger licked the screen, she goes "HA HA STOP IT! IT TICKLES! HA HA"
Nintendo was still proving to be the dominant this generation.
Microsoft and Sony decided to attempt to follow suit on the success of motion gaming. So the PS Move and the Microsoft Kinect were born.
Honestly, they both seemed....sorta promising. I was more interested in the Move because it had physical buttons and a control stick at least. It was trying to build on an already successful idea.
But the Kinect? How would Microsoft make hardcore games work on this thing? People were wondering the same thing. Would you be able to play a Gears of War game on this thing? How would you move? There HAS to be some way a hardcore gamer could play some of their favorite franchises with full body motion control!
Yeah, no that wasn't going to happen. The Kinect proved to be even worse than the PS Move in that at least Sony has kinda given up on the Move (lack of software really) but Microsoft tried REALLY hard to make Kinect a thing.
This is why not only is 2010 Microsoft E3 a part of this list, but also the following year. E3 2011 was just as bad, maybe even worse than 2010's conference.
So let's do a quick highlight.
E3 2010 for Microsoft. The Project Natal is given a name. The Kinect.
The show? super cringey.
Instead of being shown hardcore titles, we saw Microsoft attempting to appeal to the casual market with some half assed sports games, a half assed adventure game, a terrible virtual pets game, a kart racer (if you could even call it that), a dancing game, and a fitness game.
You know what? The dancing game wasn't that bad. Dance Central is probably your only worth while kinect purchase! But the rest? Oh dear god did they look bad.
Kinectimals had an awkward little girl on stage talking to her virtual tiger. As the tiger licked the screen, she goes "HA HA STOP IT! IT TICKLES! HA HA"
 |
| "I am going to shit on your dreams" |
Sigh.
There was also a pre-rendered star wars game that attempted to show off the illusion of full body control and 1:1 feed back, but players moving AFTER the character on screen moved proved to be laughable.
Truly, Kinect was going to be a failure and Microsoft was going to abandon it right?
2011 is going to be better....right??
There was also a pre-rendered star wars game that attempted to show off the illusion of full body control and 1:1 feed back, but players moving AFTER the character on screen moved proved to be laughable.
Truly, Kinect was going to be a failure and Microsoft was going to abandon it right?
2011 is going to be better....right??
 |
| WRONG!!!!! |
Oh how wrong we were.
Not only did we not see much of the hardcore in 2011 for Microsoft, but the ENTIRE conference was like a flashback of 2010.
Scripted demos? check
Cringey fake family fun on stage? check
A dude yelling out "BLUUUUUE!!!" while playing virtual football? Checkaroony
And remember Star Wars Kinect from alst year? IT'S BAAACK! And this time, it's not pre-rendered! but now it's also VERY VERY unimpressive and looked like it barely worked at all!
OH Ghost Recon Future Soldier uses the Kinect? YES! Maybe some good news afterall!
Nope, just some gun making gimmick that seemes to work...but...eeeh.
Microsofts E3 2011 conference was...terrible. I can't even begin to emphasize how BAD it was. You know what? I'll just let you see just how bad it was.
E3 2010
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QflHRLW0Tz8
E3 2011
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2adTBhU5VhI
So the reson both of these conferences are on this list is not because I can't make up my mind, but because both conferences blend together so well. Hell, without the 2010 conference, the 2011 would have just been bad instead of massively disappointing! Both conferences have been remembered by most gamers today and it's surprising that a company like Microsoft could fuck it up two years in a row. Many of the Microsoft loyal just wanted less Kinect...was that too much to ask?
Evidently...yes
 |
| "....Sorry?" |
No comments:
Post a Comment